(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs is a song in Act I of Hairspray. It is Velma Von Tussle with backup from the Council Members. It takes place at WYZT's studio for The Corny Collins Show during auditions.
"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" has more variations than any other song in Hairspray. It went through many changes during development, including, at points, being swapped out for entirely different songs. After being set in the script, the song was changed again for the cast recording. After the recording, several changes were once again made to the song, creating a hybrid version. Finally, the song was changed again for Hairspray (2007).
Hairspray (musical)[]
In the musical, "(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is the fifth song in Act I. It is performed after "I Can Hear the Bells" and before "It Takes Two."
At the end of the song, Inez runs in and asks to audition and is immediately dismissed by Velma with "of course not."
Lead In[]
This is the interaction leading up to the start of the song. The music starts just before Tracy mentions her 45's.
(AMBER VON TUSSLE)
And what are YOU doing here?
(TRACY TURNBLAD)
I came to audition for Corny. My name is Tracy Turnblad. And, like you, I go to Patterson Park High...
(LOU ANN)
I've seen you.
(AMBER)
Who could miss her? Aren't you usually in detention about now?
(TRACY)
I cut school to come down here. Isn't that too cool? I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous, can I start over? I assure you I'll calm down, right after I have a heart attack!!
(TRACY)
Well, I brought my own 45's, so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff!
(LOU ANN)
Haven't you already shown us enough?
Version #1 - Original Script[]
These are the standard version of the lyrics that come with the script for the musical.
(VELMA VON TUSSLE)
Oh my God
How times have changed
This girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
(TRACY)
It's always been my childhood dream to dance on this show!
(AMBER)
Well, maybe you oughta go back to sleep!
(VELMA)
Childhood dreams
For me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple
Stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups
May still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance!
Cause I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting Aida
And preparing cheese souffles!
But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(VELMA)
Fire away, girls.
(TAMMY)
You're too wide from the back.
(AMBER)
Honey, look at her front!
(VELMA)
Wait are we on Candid Camera?
Ok, where is Allen Funt?
(AMBER)
Do you dance like you dress?
(LINK)
Girls, there's no need to be cruel!
(VELMA)
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
(COUNCIL gasps in shock)
(TRACY)
I sure would. I'm all for integration. It's the New Frontier!
(VELMA)
Not in Baltimore it isn't.
(TRACY)
Um, where's Corny? I'd love to dance for him.
(VELMA)
I'm the producer, and may I be frank?
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
First impressions can be tough (ooh, ooh)
And when I saw you I knew it (ooh, ooh)
If your size weren't enough (ooh, ooh, ooh)
You last answer just blew it (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
And so, my dear, so short and stout (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
You'll never be "in"
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
So we're kicking you out!
(VELMA)
With your form and your face
Well, it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
Baltimore!
(VELMA)
Crabs!
(VELMA)
You're free to go.
(TRACY)
Uh, thank you?
(PENNY)
I could tell they secretly liked you.
(INEZ)
Hello ma'am, may I please audition?
(VELMA)
Of course not.
(VELMA)
But you can bow and exalt
Because I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Version #2 - Original Cast Recording[]
As noted above, the lyrics were changed from the original stage version for the Original Cast Recording. The first change is the removal of the exchange between Tracy and Amber after verse one. The major changes, however, occur after the third verse.
It then picks up from Amber asking "Do you dance like you dress?" Instead of Link chastising the "girls," he specifically names Amber.
This version also skips Tracy asking where Corny is and Velma informing her that she is the producer, probably because she has been upgraded to station owner.
The dismissal in this version is different as well, with comments about Tracy's form and face being replaced.
-The Legend of- Miss Baltimore Crabs - Original Cast Recording
(VELMA)
Oh my God
How times have changed
This girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Childhood dreams
For me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple
Stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups
May still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance!
'Cause I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting high C's
And preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(VELMA)
Proceed
(TAMMY)
Are you scared we're on live?
(TRACY)
No, I'm sure I can cope
(AMBER)
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
(COUNCILETTES)
CINEMASCOPE!
(VELMA)
I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
(TAMMY)
How many sweaters do you own?
(TRACY)
Well, I'm sure I've got plenty\
Let's see, I've got three, five
No, wait, I have twenty!
(VELMA)
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs!
A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead
But left tons of money
So I bought this station
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
So all of our nation could see
(VELMA)
Baby Amber, and me!
(AMBER)
Do you dance like you dress?
(LINK)
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
(VELMA)
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
(COUNCIL gasps in shock)
(TRACY)
I sure would! I’m all for integration. It's the new frontier!
(VELMA)
Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in-
(COUNCIL MEMBERS)
So we're kicking you out!
(VELMA)
You can't get past me kid
But it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of
Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha haaa!
Oh, you may go
(TRACY)
Uh, thank you?
(PENNY)
Gee Tracy, that went well!
(INEZ)
Hello, may I please audition?
(VELMA)
No, but you can bow and exalt
Because I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
Crabs! Crabs!
(VELMA)
Crabs
Version #3 - Combination (New Standard)[]
This version is a combination of the original script with the changes from the Original Cast Recording. It keeps the first exchange between Amber and Tracy from the original, but trades Velma's fourth verse for the recorded version.
Some productions still prefer to specify that they were cheese soufflés. Other common substitutions include changing "Proceed" back to "Girls, fire away!" and changing Penny's line.
Notably, this version also removes Velma's lines about owning the station, thus downgrading her from Station Manager back to Producer.
(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs - Broadway (Linda Hart)
(VELMA VON TUSSLE)
Oh my God
How times have changed
This girl's either blind
Or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
(TRACY)
It's always been my childhood dream to dance on this show!
(AMBER)
Well, maybe you oughta go back to sleep!
(VELMA)
Childhood dreams
For me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple
Stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups
May still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance!
'Cause I hit the stage
Batons ablaze
While belting high C's
And preparing soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(VELMA)
Girls, fire away!
(TAMMY)
Are you scared we're on live?
(TRACY)
No, I'm sure I can cope
(AMBER)
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
(COUNCILETTES)
CINEMASCOPE!
(VELMA)
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
(TAMMY)
How many sweaters do you own?
(TRACY)
Well, I'm sure I've got plenty\
Let's see, I've got three, five
No, wait, I have twenty!
(VELMA)
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
But I can't
I'm Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(TAMMY)
You're too wide from the back.
(AMBER - spoken)
Honey, look at her front!
(VELMA)
Wait are we on Candid Camera?
Ok, where is Allen Funt?
(AMBER)
Do you dance like you dress?
(LINK)
Girls, there's no need to be cruel
(VELMA)
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
(COUNCIL gasps in shock)
(TRACY)
I sure would! I’m all for integration. It's the new frontier!
(VELMA)
Not in Baltimore it isn't.
(TRACY)
Um, where's Corny? I'd love to dance for him.
(VELMA)
Oh sweetie, I'm the producer, and may I be frank?
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
First impressions can be tough (ooh, ooh)
And when I saw you I knew it (ooh, ooh)
If your size weren't enough (ooh, ooh, ooh)
That last answer just blew it (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
And so, my dear, you're short and stout (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
You'll never be "in"
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
So we're kicking you out!
(VELMA)
With your form and your face
Well, it isn't your fault
You just caught a case of Miss
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
Baltimore!
(VELMA)
Crabs!
(VELMA)
Oh, you're free to go.
(TRACY)
Uh, Thank you.
(VELMA)
Buh-bye
(PENNY)
I could tell they secretly liked you.
(INEZ)
Hello ma'am, may I please audition?
(VELMA)
Of course not.
(VELMA)
But you can bow and exalt
Because I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Hairspray (2007)[]
In the 2007 film, this song takes place after "It Takes Two," which is performed on television while Tracy and Penny watch. It is then followed by "I Can Hear the Bells."
In this version, those auditioning arrive while Velma Von Tussle and the Council Members are rehearsing. Velma notices begins ridiculing them to Amber and the other Council Members, all while continuing to instruct rehearsal.
Another major change from the musical is that Inez does not run in to audition at the end of the song. Later, however, when Tracy and Inez meet up during "Run and Tell That," they seem to know each other and their shared desire to be on the show. As such, it is possible this scene occurred either off camera or in a deleted scene.
Finally, unlike in other version, this version turns Velma's "Oy Gevalt!" line into an antisemitic joke, further illustrating her bigotry.
Lead In[]
(VELMA)
Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew
This town sure has gone down hill since I was crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs
In the soundtrack Amber responds with, "oh mother, not more ancient history." In the movie, she just rolls her eyes.
(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs - Hairspray (2007)
Lyrics[]
(VELMA VON TUSSLE)
Oh, my God
How times have changed!
These girls must be blind
Or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Amber!
That move is far too dirty!
(AMBER VON TUSSLE)
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930
(VELMA)
You can laugh,
But life's a test
Don't do this,
Don't do that!
Remember
Mother knows best
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
(AMBER)
These steps are perfect ammunition
(VELMA)
Let me show you how your Mommy dear took out the competition
Girls, go get 'em
Boys, let's rumba
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Those poor runner-ups
May still hold some grudges
They padded their cups
But I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!
Boys, put me down.
Oh! Good morning, ladies!
Let's see what you've got.
(COUNCIL MEMBERS)
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, mambo
(VELMA)
Ready? Begin.
On my show, you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind
(AMBER)
What's that?
A dance for fleas and ticks?
(VELMA)
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!
Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting Aida and preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Proceed
(TAMMY)
Are you scared we're on live?
(TRACY)
No, I'm sure I can cope
(AMBER]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
(COUNCILETTES)
CinemaScope!
(VELMA)
I never drank one chocolate malt
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(AMBER)
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes
(VELMA)
Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs
(AMBER)
Do you dance like you dress?
(LINK)
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
(VELMA)
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
(TRACY)
I sure would! I’m all for integration. It's the new frontier!
(COUNCIL gasps in shock)
(VELMA)
Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in-
(COUNCIL MEMBERS)
So we're kicking you out!
(VELMA)
With your form and your face
Well, it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss
(VELMA & COUNCILETTES)
Baltimore!
(VELMA)
Crabs!
(VELMA)
Ugh, you may go.
(TRACY)
Uh, thank you?
(PENNY)
I think they secretly liked you.
Hairspray Live![]
As a televised version of the musical, Hairspray Live! follows the source material closely. Unlike in the musical, however, "(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" is followed by "Ladies' Choice," a song that was originally written for Hairspray (2007).
The song follows the New Standard version of the song (#3), but adds it's own flair.
After the fourth verse, this exchange is added.
(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs - Hairspray Live!
(AMBER)
Oh, almost dinner time! Shouldn't you be waddling along?
(VELMA)
Amber! Haven't I taught you not to judge a book by its cover?
(AMBER)
No...
(VELMA)
Well, this is America, darling. Where everyone deserves a separate, but equal chance to fail.
I'll handle this.
Are you scared we're on live?
In this version, Velma takes Tammy's line asking whether Tracy would be afraid to be on live TV.
When Velma discusses how she doesn't eat dessert, she places her hand on her abdomen and puts an emphasis on the "abs" in "crabs."
At the end of the song, Inez's attempt to audition is changed up.
(INEZ) Hello ma'am, I wanna audition for Corny.
(VELMA) (Laughing) And I wanna be 18 again!
(VELMA) How about you bow and exalt? Because I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!