(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Sung by:

Velma Von Tussle


Velma Von Tussle


The Corny Collins Show Auditions Studio

Preceed by:

It Takes Two

Followed by:

I Can Hear the Bells

(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs is a song featured in the 2007 film singed by Velma Von Tussle.


Well, I brought my own '45's
So if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff
Haven't you already shown us enough?
Oh, my God, how times have changed
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my frickin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Not a chance
'Cause I hit the stage Batons ablaze
While belting high C's and preparing souffles
But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
Are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast in
Cinema scope
I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
How many sweaters do you own?
Well, I'm sure I've got plenty
Let's see, I have three, five, wait, I have twenty
I would say, "Oy Gevalt"
If I wasn't, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead
But left tons of money
So I bought this station
So all of the nation could see
Baby, Amber and me
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would, I'm all for integration
It's, 'The new frontier'
Not in Baltimore, it isn't, and may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in
So we're kicking you out
You can't get past me kid
But it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of, "Miss Baltimore Crabs"
You may go
Um, thank you?
Gee Tracy, that went well
Hello Ma'am, may I please audition?
No, but you can bow and exalt
'Cause I was, "Miss Baltimore Crabs, Crabs, Crabs"

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